i do not want to quarrel with you.
now how many times have i said that? n it still happens. but maybe deep inside i am always picking a fight with you because i wan u to give in to me. or to see some emotion from you. maybe to feel that you still care about me? silly reason i know, plus im not even sure if thats y i quarrel with u. maybe its jus my horrid nature. (my bouts of insane jealousy insecurity and doubtful-ness)
maintaining ldr is very hard. i cant see feel or sense you. i cant feel ur care for me. i know u do care, but the stubborn me just wants u to voice out n show me you do. i seriously do not know what i want from u. more communication? we have nothing to say! chatting online? sometimes its so fake. we r trying to be civil to each other even though we both know things are not oh-so-fine between us.
u keep things from me, i keep things from u.
(u claim) i tell u my plans for the day or for going out so that you will tell me yours. a fair exchange? NO. its so wrong, im so wrong. if u wanted to tell me, wanted to let me know, u would. i wouldnt need to ask you. i should have realised that, instead of being so blinded by my jealousy and insecurity.
i/we wanted things to be equal between us, eg: so if you do this, i can do it too. n vice versa. same goes for not doing things. like THE sms. n telling each other how we miss each other. i know i haven been sms-ing u constantly, since a rather long time ago. its not dat i dun miss u, not that i dun think of you, but somehow at a point of my life, i wanted to stop feeling such a great need to tell u everything that goes on in my life. i wanted to stop being so reliant on you. not to mention the fact that i feel my smses are being taken for granted. i can ask u so many things, make so many comments or basically just tell you how gd/bad my day had been. but at the end of the day when i get home from skool or wherever, n we chat online, i feel like my smses are all being ignored because you never replied or acknowledged any of them.(meaning i did say something rather significant, but u din make any response to it. im not asking u to tell me "hey i got 3 of ur msgs today.... etc..")
this resulted in me feeling that i should not sms u so often, because they might even be an irritatance to you.
missing you. its somehow become a feeling of dread, one that controls my mind and makes my imagination run wild, instead of the warm fuzzy feeling one should be getting when u miss ur soulmate. i cant hardly concentrate on the more impt things in my life now, such as my skool work. unhealthy? yeah. only for me..
of course there's also a big issue we have. we dun tell each other what we are doing. a few occasions whereby each of us din adhere to the rules of telling each other our plans to go out, or whatever, (see how phony this sounds? our r/s, that is) made it alright to not tell at all for future occurances. is this the way it should be?
me thinks, the part where we feel obliged to tell each other all this nitty gritty is not very right in the first place. are we the only crazy couple to have implemented this 'system' of reporting to each other all the time? maybe, since i am so long winded and so reliant on you, im used to telling u every single detail about my life, about the things i see, about how im feeling at that exact moment, that's why it sorta became a norm for us. but bear in mind only I did that.
in return, i wanted you to tell me more about ur life too, since i told you so much about my day. but this led to you feeling pressurised to tell me things. i was wrong i admit, to think it should work this way.
now we dun even tell each other things anymore. besides the surface, superficial things which i claim i only talk to pple whom im not close to abt. the way we are so civil to each other online (we hardly have voice conversations) sometimes just makes me so uncomfortable. i WANT to talk to u, but when i click on ur name n say hi, i just don't know what to say. so i make small talk. we make small talk. e restrained type where we only have a few words to type in every line.
im so full of complains. my life is full of complains. someone knock my head and wake me up.. im sure ure tired of my complains. thanx for listening, i do appreciate it. (even when u harshly scold me, and remind me the cold hard fact that i brought it all upon myself)
im lucky to be alive n to even experience the feelin of being 'bloated' n 'stuffed' when some pple only have tree barks to eat. lucky to have skool work to complain abt when pple r losing homes n lives in various parts fo the world. lucky to have experienced some really wonderful memories with u.
but im stressed from not studying for my exams, depressed abt u, clueless about what the next week, month or year brings.
right i wasted a whole morning n noon sorting out my thoughts. time to get started on my finance.
--------------
can't live with or without you
now how many times have i said that? n it still happens. but maybe deep inside i am always picking a fight with you because i wan u to give in to me. or to see some emotion from you. maybe to feel that you still care about me? silly reason i know, plus im not even sure if thats y i quarrel with u. maybe its jus my horrid nature. (my bouts of insane jealousy insecurity and doubtful-ness)
maintaining ldr is very hard. i cant see feel or sense you. i cant feel ur care for me. i know u do care, but the stubborn me just wants u to voice out n show me you do. i seriously do not know what i want from u. more communication? we have nothing to say! chatting online? sometimes its so fake. we r trying to be civil to each other even though we both know things are not oh-so-fine between us.
u keep things from me, i keep things from u.
(u claim) i tell u my plans for the day or for going out so that you will tell me yours. a fair exchange? NO. its so wrong, im so wrong. if u wanted to tell me, wanted to let me know, u would. i wouldnt need to ask you. i should have realised that, instead of being so blinded by my jealousy and insecurity.
i/we wanted things to be equal between us, eg: so if you do this, i can do it too. n vice versa. same goes for not doing things. like THE sms. n telling each other how we miss each other. i know i haven been sms-ing u constantly, since a rather long time ago. its not dat i dun miss u, not that i dun think of you, but somehow at a point of my life, i wanted to stop feeling such a great need to tell u everything that goes on in my life. i wanted to stop being so reliant on you. not to mention the fact that i feel my smses are being taken for granted. i can ask u so many things, make so many comments or basically just tell you how gd/bad my day had been. but at the end of the day when i get home from skool or wherever, n we chat online, i feel like my smses are all being ignored because you never replied or acknowledged any of them.(meaning i did say something rather significant, but u din make any response to it. im not asking u to tell me "hey i got 3 of ur msgs today.... etc..")
this resulted in me feeling that i should not sms u so often, because they might even be an irritatance to you.
missing you. its somehow become a feeling of dread, one that controls my mind and makes my imagination run wild, instead of the warm fuzzy feeling one should be getting when u miss ur soulmate. i cant hardly concentrate on the more impt things in my life now, such as my skool work. unhealthy? yeah. only for me..
of course there's also a big issue we have. we dun tell each other what we are doing. a few occasions whereby each of us din adhere to the rules of telling each other our plans to go out, or whatever, (see how phony this sounds? our r/s, that is) made it alright to not tell at all for future occurances. is this the way it should be?
me thinks, the part where we feel obliged to tell each other all this nitty gritty is not very right in the first place. are we the only crazy couple to have implemented this 'system' of reporting to each other all the time? maybe, since i am so long winded and so reliant on you, im used to telling u every single detail about my life, about the things i see, about how im feeling at that exact moment, that's why it sorta became a norm for us. but bear in mind only I did that.
in return, i wanted you to tell me more about ur life too, since i told you so much about my day. but this led to you feeling pressurised to tell me things. i was wrong i admit, to think it should work this way.
now we dun even tell each other things anymore. besides the surface, superficial things which i claim i only talk to pple whom im not close to abt. the way we are so civil to each other online (we hardly have voice conversations) sometimes just makes me so uncomfortable. i WANT to talk to u, but when i click on ur name n say hi, i just don't know what to say. so i make small talk. we make small talk. e restrained type where we only have a few words to type in every line.
im so full of complains. my life is full of complains. someone knock my head and wake me up.. im sure ure tired of my complains. thanx for listening, i do appreciate it. (even when u harshly scold me, and remind me the cold hard fact that i brought it all upon myself)
im lucky to be alive n to even experience the feelin of being 'bloated' n 'stuffed' when some pple only have tree barks to eat. lucky to have skool work to complain abt when pple r losing homes n lives in various parts fo the world. lucky to have experienced some really wonderful memories with u.
but im stressed from not studying for my exams, depressed abt u, clueless about what the next week, month or year brings.
right i wasted a whole morning n noon sorting out my thoughts. time to get started on my finance.
--------------
can't live with or without you
posted by moomoosthecow @ 11:57 AM
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