Friday, September 30, 2005

i do not want to quarrel with you.

now how many times have i said that? n it still happens. but maybe deep inside i am always picking a fight with you because i wan u to give in to me. or to see some emotion from you. maybe to feel that you still care about me? silly reason i know, plus im not even sure if thats y i quarrel with u. maybe its jus my horrid nature. (my bouts of insane jealousy insecurity and doubtful-ness)

maintaining ldr is very hard. i cant see feel or sense you. i cant feel ur care for me. i know u do care, but the stubborn me just wants u to voice out n show me you do. i seriously do not know what i want from u. more communication? we have nothing to say! chatting online? sometimes its so fake. we r trying to be civil to each other even though we both know things are not oh-so-fine between us.
u keep things from me, i keep things from u.
(u claim) i tell u my plans for the day or for going out so that you will tell me yours. a fair exchange? NO. its so wrong, im so wrong. if u wanted to tell me, wanted to let me know, u would. i wouldnt need to ask you. i should have realised that, instead of being so blinded by my jealousy and insecurity.
i/we wanted things to be equal between us, eg: so if you do this, i can do it too. n vice versa. same goes for not doing things. like THE sms. n telling each other how we miss each other. i know i haven been sms-ing u constantly, since a rather long time ago. its not dat i dun miss u, not that i dun think of you, but somehow at a point of my life, i wanted to stop feeling such a great need to tell u everything that goes on in my life. i wanted to stop being so reliant on you. not to mention the fact that i feel my smses are being taken for granted. i can ask u so many things, make so many comments or basically just tell you how gd/bad my day had been. but at the end of the day when i get home from skool or wherever, n we chat online, i feel like my smses are all being ignored because you never replied or acknowledged any of them.(meaning i did say something rather significant, but u din make any response to it. im not asking u to tell me "hey i got 3 of ur msgs today.... etc..")
this resulted in me feeling that i should not sms u so often, because they might even be an irritatance to you.

missing you. its somehow become a feeling of dread, one that controls my mind and makes my imagination run wild, instead of the warm fuzzy feeling one should be getting when u miss ur soulmate. i cant hardly concentrate on the more impt things in my life now, such as my skool work. unhealthy? yeah. only for me..

of course there's also a big issue we have. we dun tell each other what we are doing. a few occasions whereby each of us din adhere to the rules of telling each other our plans to go out, or whatever, (see how phony this sounds? our r/s, that is) made it alright to not tell at all for future occurances. is this the way it should be?
me thinks, the part where we feel obliged to tell each other all this nitty gritty is not very right in the first place. are we the only crazy couple to have implemented this 'system' of reporting to each other all the time? maybe, since i am so long winded and so reliant on you, im used to telling u every single detail about my life, about the things i see, about how im feeling at that exact moment, that's why it sorta became a norm for us. but bear in mind only I did that.
in return, i wanted you to tell me more about ur life too, since i told you so much about my day. but this led to you feeling pressurised to tell me things. i was wrong i admit, to think it should work this way.
now we dun even tell each other things anymore. besides the surface, superficial things which i claim i only talk to pple whom im not close to abt. the way we are so civil to each other online (we hardly have voice conversations) sometimes just makes me so uncomfortable. i WANT to talk to u, but when i click on ur name n say hi, i just don't know what to say. so i make small talk. we make small talk. e restrained type where we only have a few words to type in every line.

im so full of complains. my life is full of complains. someone knock my head and wake me up.. im sure ure tired of my complains. thanx for listening, i do appreciate it. (even when u harshly scold me, and remind me the cold hard fact that i brought it all upon myself)

im lucky to be alive n to even experience the feelin of being 'bloated' n 'stuffed' when some pple only have tree barks to eat. lucky to have skool work to complain abt when pple r losing homes n lives in various parts fo the world. lucky to have experienced some really wonderful memories with u.
but im stressed from not studying for my exams, depressed abt u, clueless about what the next week, month or year brings.

right i wasted a whole morning n noon sorting out my thoughts. time to get started on my finance.


--------------
can't live with or without you

Thursday, September 29, 2005

All I Asked For Is For You To Be Happy

Generally, our quarrels can considered to be repeatitive, stupid and lame. I know i said alot of hurtful things to you. But i want you to know that i dun mean those things. I said it in a fit of anger. And it doesnt help when u add more things to spite me. I tink the same goes for u as well. The moment after i said some nasty things, i tot to myself again, maybe i shudnt have said that. And alot of things which i said or criticise about u, it basically applies to myself as well (i hope u know what i mean). I dun care aboout the quarrels or how tension we are. I just want you to be happy. Ure always so depressed, having v lil confidence, easily emotionally affected, short-tempered and so on. All these affects me alot. Im not sayin u cant complain to me. But seems like u get so emotionally absorbed into it, and u end up not being able to do other things as well. And that's bad. I tot for very long and i think u'll agree wit me on this as well. The only way for u to be happy, regardless of short-term or long-term. U better do well for your exams. finish up ur degree and find a good job wit a good pay. I tink thats the only way for u to be happy, for short-term and long-term. And this sem, i noticed and realised that ure more determined to get better grades. Please do not let relationship affect your studies. You should be emotionally stronger, and have more determination to study. Basically, wat i realised is that u cut down a lot on your slackin time. u used to spend loads of time, just plucking your stupid nails or just open ur download manager for nothing, or just spend so much time searching for songs. Im not sayin u cant do all that, i shudnt be instructing u what to do in the 1st place. u shud know how to plan ur time nicely. i think ive said enough. im not gonna be a nag and keep tellin u to study and so on. im just gon encourage you to study. thats the most i can do. I dun wan u to rely on me so much anymore. So please, make sure u work hard and get better grades this semester. Let's work towards this goal. Im looking forward to improve my grades as well.

T-Bone Steak

Due to my high efficiency in studying today, I decided to reward myself wit a good meal. I cooked T-Bone steak wit mushroom sauce. My answer to how to make sauce for steak came from Raymond. The gist is to use black bean sauce. Why havent i tot of that? Anyway, here's a picture of it
T-BoneSteak
Looks yummy ehy? It was damn good. When i go back, we make ok? at my place, use the tepanyaki, then make it a outdoor thing. hm..i better start thinking of what good food i should make. can't wait!

Videos Of The Day

The next Snoop Doog, 50Cent and The Game




Some good moves there. Forgot to add that the MC is just trying too hard.





Beer Bottle Pop. Gotta learn this someday.


Games Of The Day


This will get on your nerves!




Gravity Ball. Very challenging.




Parallel Parking. Pass this, you will pass your driving test for parallel parking.

I hope you're doing fine out there without me
Cause I'm not doing so good without you
The things I thought you'd never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood

So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
Guess I only see the truth through all this fear,
And living without you...

And everything I had in this world
And all that I'll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

I can't take another day without you
Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I've been waiting so long, just to hold you
And to be back in your arms where I belong

Sorry I can't always find the words to say
But everything I've ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love...

And everything I had in this world
And all that I'll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

As the days grow long I see
That time is standing still for me
When you're not here


Guess this song doesnt really depict what im feeling now. then again it does. . anyway it really sounds nice.. its alter rock right? guess its the only genre of music that i will always like.... its so....... soothingly sad. i love sad songs. does it reflect something about my life? sigh.

i guess i only really appreciated the meaning of sad songs about love after experiencing love. and un-love. i really miss the times that we would be chatting to each other without any inhibitations. but right now.. things still seem strained. maybe im sensitive... maybe we're both tired..

- - - - - - - - - - - - -


on a different note, i really hope noone reads or chances upon this blog. haaa.
i feel............ im being portrayed as a very horrible gf who is so unreasonable, demanding too many silly n ridiculous
things.
really feel like im abnormal. like im wrong to ask for or say certain things. well i guess i better go back to study my mkt. .


Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Things Will Be Better Again

The trip to the Tulip Festival made me realised alot of things now. I'm writing this from my point of view and it could be v biased and myopic. however, i have this mixed feelings inside which i dunno how to describe to you. I will try to do so without confusing you too much. From very long ago, i requested that you dun tell me things so last minute. But that day when i went for the Tulip Fest, i guessed ure pretty much bored to the point where u just went crazy. So u decided that..'hm..let's go out for dinner and after that go for a drink at a bar..' nice idea! so u decided not to tell me at all UNTIL i asked. u probably did that to get revenge cos i didnt msg u at all. Well, just so u know, i do not have any reception at all. I could've used the singapore phone to msg u at least once, but i didnt. I know, they all sound like fuckin lame excuses to you. But here's what u shud tink abt, will u flip if i go drink at a bar and telling you after i went? u probably will.

Here's wat i've decided. since ure doing things that way, i tink its a good idea. cos we're loosening things up between us. I'll just tell u when u ask. if u dun ask, then i'll jus not tell u. And i'll try my best not to blow up when ur questions keep firing at me non-stop. cos u realised i dun bother asking u anything, cos u'll tell me automatically. i guess i took that for granted. and in the meantime, i dun usually tell u things. i guess u wanna do it my way. so thats why u dun tell me things until i asked. So i guess its a gd idea then.


I tink im still not very good at expressing myself. But anyway, i will not say anything more. my point is very clear from there. I received something yesterday and i wanna thank u for that. It's v nice of you. Here it is:


"Hey dude! Aint these lil cartoons cute?? I tried to make it look like u.... like it? I look fat. I think u look really cute, with e scarf n mp3player... heh! Ma baaaaby! Mwahh! I really miss u at e moment now... every single moment actually. Come home soon alrght darling? Ure being missed real badly... ur one week break is coming up n soon it'll be ur exams! Study hard my man! Lol. =) I love you baby."

Honestly, its a vast different. Th guy looks damn nice but the girl is damn ugly. u shud re-do urs and send me again. a'right, shudnt make fun of ur nice work. Thanks.. i was very happy when i received it. And at the same time i received my mini-speakers which i bought them off e-bay.
I got them for AUD$14.99. It is expensive, i know. but i couldnt find them anywhere else. It's for me to bring along when i go to Sentosa wit you. Or ECP. I can't wait to hang out at the beaches again. and have a tan, eat fruits and just chill out. We can play our own music from our mp3player now. it's also v small, so its v portable. I tink its a gd buy no matter wat the price is.

Tulip Festival, Chandon's and Flippin' Pancakes





Two Dutch-looking ushers welcoming us.










The Crew.








It's just wrong to see 3 guys at a flower festival. ugh!







Me and Jo. Looks damn stupid.








Come punch me if u dare.









Me and Raymond.







Me and Tricia's cousin (still dunno how to spell her name)








Me and Ron.










Me and Eunice.










Typical dick who has to show the weirdest stuff. Look at his face! But the boot scraper was really essential.









We're actually looking at some hairy leaves which manage to catch dew and looks really weird.







Entry fees-$12.80. Beef Croquette-$2.00. Baked potato-$6.00. Gettin caught caring abt my shox while others are interested in something-priceless..









Time to leave the Tulip garden. too bad raymond not in the picture. and ron, as usual.. -speechless-










Two posers at Chandon (Champagne factory). very few pictures taken cos they were closing so no time to take pics.









Raymond told me to put a bubble from my head that says 'missin u'













Truth is, i was thinkin abt u.








Wanted to go to The Cuckoo restaurant to eat dinner. but it was too expensive. AUD$45 a person, buffet style. Not worth it so we went to another place called flippin pancakes. it was good. ate steak and banana crepe. Felt satisfied as i help navigate to get to that place.That's all for now. Cos i cant possibly upload every single photos. we took alot of pictures. But ive already upload most of them that has me in it.


Videos Of The Day

David Blaine is amazing.




Good coin tricks. Unbelievable fingers.



Games Of The Day

Person who designed this game is a genius.




Chick blasting aliens!

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Hated Phone

Used to really like Nokia 7600, cos initially i tot it was cool to have a square phone. Never had i expected it to cause so much trouble for me. It is a 3G phone. The service provider in Australia for 3G phone is called three. They are really lousy. Their customer service is being directed to fuckin India! wtf! Imagine hearing someone on the other end having a bloody Indian accent when ure using an Australian service. How pissin off is that? Their system is really bad too. they allow some people to upgrade their phones while others have to pay the FULL remaining amount for their contract. Anyway, back to my phone. The special shape of the phone is the flaw. It's so fuckin hard to msg. If ure planning to reduce ur phone bills through msging lesser. this is the phone to get. I am still waiting for the right time to call the Australian-Indian service provider to chance upon an opportunity for a phone upgrade. then i wont be too lazy to msg when i get a proper phone. i hate my phone.

Things are really tensioned right now between us. I hope it will loosened up soon. I will prevent such incidents from happening again. At least let me try to do so. ure right, it is time to stop giving lame and stupid excuses anymore. It's useless. Right now, i just wished u will focus and concentrate on doing well for your tests which are comin up real soon. Please study hard for them. Our timetables are so bad, when im havin my holidays, ure havin exams. -sigh-

Here's my dinner for today:

seafoodPasta

It has got salmon, prawns and scallops. The sauce is the one that i used to cook the meatball pasta the last time. Before i cooked this, i made a chocolate cheesecake which is for dinner at Raymond's place on Tuesday. I borrowed Tricia's cake-mixer. It was so easy to mix them. remember we use the pathetic small mixer. oh well, it shud have more value because it was 'hand-made'. Usually, hand-made stuffs are sold for more. Anyway, I was able to get a smooth texture using the mixer. I added crushed Ferrero Rocher, melted Calbury chocolate, cream and 1 tablespoon of sugar with the cheese. I tink it will turn out really good. Hope it wont be too sweet and thick or else it will leave a very thick creamy sick feeling. When i go back, let's try different sort of cheesecake a'right? we'll make a small cake so that we can try out more variety.

Videos Of The Day

Octopus VS Shark. Who will win?




How about Octopus VS man?




Games Of The Day

Another shooting game. This time is fast and furious.




Same Battleship, just that now it's on your computer.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Pull off my blindfold
You just 2 cold
Sold me truth
And baby I was?

So sold
You might as well cut me up
Physically

U know

U got me on the edge of extremes
And I can't believe it
And don't know what 2 think
Summertime, my rhymes
Were so lovesick

Now they so sick, cause they ain't about love
Here's a pop lick - between us wasn't enough?

And I know?

I felt good times come
I thought they'd stay
Things undone
They become what may
Angels came
But they left today
And I let you slip away
Listen now
Burning empty
Still this can't be
Believe it or not-not
That happy
Hotel, motel
It's hot in hell
Free from my cell
But, now left with no home

Want u to know

I would never have oh
Figured out
That
Way you play me now
It could have been forever
Now its bringing me down
The high and the low
Up and down we go
Put myself 2 close
Got burnt like toast
Feels like I'm sinking
In the Dead Sea
Don't really care
The space inside
Is so empty

It's like it's over
Before it begun
This song is over
And so is our 1

you message me as and when you like.
even when you know im waiting.
enough i had it.
get out.

i hate it, how i can be wasting around waiting for that one message of yours and how it just makes me so happy to receive it when it only takes a little bit of your time, not much effort at all.
but since it takes so little effort..not receiving any would mean you dont even care or bother which is even more sad.
i wish i didnt care about all this and that nothing will ever affect me again.
am i the childish immature and petty one?
i wonder what dating someone a decade older will be like. hmmm.....

Friday, September 23, 2005

love u and miss u too

i hate to have those stupid quarrels also. they just start for no reason. and i dun seem to be able to control myself. i hate it. i just say whatever i wanna, which is bad. But well, we gotta understand that at times, we're just in a bad mood and wanna vent our frustrations. we just dun see the fact that both of us are in a bad mood and both wanna start shooting off straight away. ha! do i make sense? i am not even sure of what im saying already. anyway, im at fault also, actually most of the times im at fault. i shud just shut up and be more understanding and listen to you. Why can't i just do that right? -sigh-


Grand Theft Auto (San Andreas)It all started at Raymond's place. Usually we only create chaos, kill policeman, increase the number of stars and make police come and capture us. But me and Raymond started playing the missions. And it was really cool. Gettin respect by completing each mission. So right now, im playing it on my PC. it's pretty good. and this game is not suitable for immature kids.

Failed sushi-making!
i tried to make chicken sushi hand roll. However, my impatience has caused the whole process failed. my fatal mistake was that i did not wait for the rice to cool down 1st. So it was still steaming hot and made the seaweed wet, which made it a bitch to roll it up. However, the preview of the sushi-making process was quite nice. Here they are:


















Kripsy Kreme Doughnuts

Initially, I do not believe the hype about it being the best doughnuts in the world. tricia's cousin went to sydney and get 2 dozens of them for us. I've got 6 of them. Until i tried it, i wouldnt say they're the best doughnut in the world cos that will just be an overstatement. I would just say i was impressed by it and i wouldnt doubt that they're loads of marketing advocates for Kripsy Kreme. They're really good. If you dun believe the hype, u still dun have to, but seriously, do try it.









I know they look normal, but they taste awesome. They shud really have one in melboure, one in singapore and one in JB.

Today was finally the day i had enough slp. Finished 4 assignments in 2 weeks. that was just crazy. once i woke up, was talking to my baby for almost 1 and 1/2 hours. then i made lunch, when she went out, i played grand theft auto. then ronny came. he was supposed to meet at 130pm. but he woke up at 130pm! ass. we went to princes highway entertainment centre to play pool. He wasnt really in the mood so i was thrashed him. then went to 7&7 to eat Korean food. Had Bulgogi and grilled fish. Food was good as usual. Wished i could eat there wit baby again. Im sure that day will come. heh!


Videos Of The Day

Look at the kid who got off the chair! LOL!




Don't mess with this chick.




Games Of The Day


Don't get caught! Actually, bottomline is still, 'Don't Steal'





Ever wonder how fast you type?
to you.

i really miss you alot.

n i dun wanna have all these silly quarrels with u. maybe one day we will look back n laugh ourselves silly for all these trivial matters, but den will we make it thru, all the way? we could if we had lesser quarrels.

i admit im partly at fault, for being so insecure, for being unreasonable. for not understanding ur needs. im sorry. this dun mean dat i dun treasure this r/s alright? u know, if i din wanna stay together... y would i even bother so much? i wont even get pissed... i wont even care..
but i do admit that all these quarrels r a pretty lousy way of showing one's care.

often times we dun control our emotions n dat leads to both of us saying things to spite each other n it only get worst when neither of us backs down. but to back down would mean to suffer in silence? n it still is unhealthy. i dunno how we r gonna solve our problems... n i dunno wat tmr will be, but i do believe, as naive as it may sound, dat as long as we do care abt each other n love each other, we will get thru it.

but get thru wat. i dunno too. i dunno when all this will end. maybe the day we get to be with each other physically n not jus rely on virtual communication... dat'll be e day dat everything will change for e better. can u last till den? can i? i wan to but can this r/s last thru e stormy weather? of cos we have bright n sunny days. but somehow it all seems fake cos ure so far away. e quarrels n sweet nothings we say to each other all seem unreal. even saying 'my bf' seems unreal.

come back soon... finish up ur studies n get ur arse back...

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

theres no twc mid term exam.

last night was staying up again to complete e darn meow meow assignment. CAT!! dammit. totally hate it. i stayed up till abt 2 plus to do one bloody quues den figured i wont be able to solve it anyway so i went to bed. shud have slept earlier cos i was like half aslp thru out my TWC lesson. e first half la. during break me n my grp mate eugene went to walk walk.. buay tahan e classroom setting was v stonifying n slp inducing. den passed by killiney's (yes i got killiney's kopitiam in my skool's concourse) they were giving free mushroom soup! hurray for them, 3 cheers!

but i had a woooozy tummy today... sucks la. kept churning. bleh. oh yeah i met sher for lunch at raffles city today.. had to pass her a file dat stepf passed to me. both of us were so tired!

went to subway, no seats. bakerzin, no seats. coffee club, no seats. haagen daz, no (real)food. ok fine we had it n jus settled for good ole food junction. n we ordered a bowl of ban mian each, plus a plate of guo tie. n guess wat! neither of us finished our food. 5 guo ties left (too damn oily), sher had half a bowl of noodles n i was too full. yeah. so only den we FIGURED we shud have shared one bowl of noodles n scrapped e gou tie altogether.
OR maybe i shud have jus ate at the SISS kopitiam. food there is at least more decent. ohh btw we also ordered sugar cane drink. one each. n we couldnt finish again!!! bahhh!


after my lunch i had mkting meeting. den TWC. den had a short meeting. den home. home sweet home. skool made me like home. make any sense? no eh. i tot so too.

research. alot of it. projects. exams.
when will it become fun laughter n joy? n love.

Chicken Hand Roll Disaster

Tried to make some sushi hand roll today and it failed terribly. I even went to buy the bamboo sushi-making thing to make the hand roll. My mistakes were: rice was still hot and moist which made the seaweed soft, didnt add vinegar to the rice (which i just realised after my baby told me need to add vinegar), proportions were wrong even though i tried many times. It was pathetic. I end up eating the rice and the chicken in a bowl in the end. The only success was the chicken. It never went wrong. -sigh-

Finally finished my financial management assignment. So i decided to join the singapore group to a Tulip Festival. . .sounds weird right? me and flowers just dun go. According to Raymond, there are other events that are going to happen there as well. he said there might be a wine-tasting exhibition or something. But whatever, since ive been working so hard for these two weeks on assignments, i tink i deserve a break. Goin to rent a car as there will be about 6, still tryin to contact Ronny and see if he wants to go. So total is about 7. Raymond going to rent a spacewagon or something.

Videos Of The Day

Sex-selling commercial using Paris Hilton.




Changed mind about smoking cigs now?


Games Of The Day

Baby, u can relive those times when we play photohunt at arcades!



Cow game. Testing your patience.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

mini Speakers On Its Way!
Been asking this company to check my payment status for almost 2 weeks now. Finally got their reply saying they have receive payment. It's a reliable system but only cater to those with credit card. I expected it to be faster actually. But who cares? I'll be getting my item anyway! When i get the item, then go back. can go sentosa wit my baby, then we can have our own music selection. Just need 3AAA batteries! Heh!

Another good piece of news. Well, not so good. Ive got my work permit already. Need to go down to the immigration to get the label stick in my passport. Feel like there's no time to find work now anyway. So quite useless. Maybe next semester, i shall work for the 1st 2 months. earn some money so i can buy the things i wan. Or just have enough money when i go back to Singapore and can spend as and when i want. Just sucks to use my parents' money.

School's been good too. Woke up with a terrible neckache again. But dun care, just head off to school. somehow manage to stay awake all the way. amazing.. clear up doubts for financial mgmt assignment. think just need to finalise it then im done. consumer behavior assignmt is also finalised. i was asked to complete the conclusion at 1st. then my grpmates asked me to do the executive summary also. wth. so i pretend to not reply them so fast. then when i got the second mail, they've already done the executive summary. So most of my assignmts are done after this week. and next week is holidays! but baby having exams. i shall spent most of my holidays studying, i hope.

Yet again, good news. I manage to sell my 5-port switch to someone today, for AUD$18. Even though I bought it for $25, it's good that i clear away a piece of my junk for $18 bucks. That guy dun have small notes at 1st. then he wanted to just make it $20. Then i said ive got no change for $20 as well. So he went into 7-Eleven to buy something and have smaller changer. He bought me a can of coke. I shud have just brought my wallet out to earn that extra $2 cos i dun even drink coke. it's sitting in my fridge and taking up space now.

Since the day was so smooth, i decided to watch a movie. Watched Madagascar. Damn hilarious! 'i like to move it move it. . .' 'Giant Freaks. . .' so dumb and so stupid. Ha! Suppose to watch a movie wit Raymond and Tricia but then very last min, and also no good movies to watch. the only movie i wanna watch is Skeleton Key, but they've watched it.

If only everyday was this smooth. . .


Video Of The Day

Stickman knows how to kick ball too!


Game Of The Day

Jap girls ramming guys! (hm . . .)